Well, here it is. Cedar's birth was already not how I would have planned it. Many of you know that my other two boys were born at a birth center with some awesome midwives, unmedicated. I obviously knew from the day of her diagnosis that Cedar's birth would be very different. I was clearly OK with however we needed to get her safely into the world, but I had to mourn the loss of the kind of birth I wanted to have.
Despite this, I was looking forward to my c-section date with extreme excitement and anticipation. The night before, Daniel and I headed to the University of Utah hospital to get some night-before lab work done. The nurse almost felt my wrath as she pushed the needle in and out attempting to find my vein...and still failed. The bruising on my arm is still ridiculous. After that pleasant experience, we headed to Texas Roadhouse for my "last meal." I wasn't allowed to eat after midnight.
We spent the evening doing some last minute packing and organizing. I woke up at 6am and showered. This is the really nice part about having a scheduled c-section. You can get all showered and ready and look nice to go in to have a baby. I didn't hate that part. At 6:30am we called the hospital to make sure things were still on schedule. They were, and we were given the OK to be at the hospital at 7:30am for the 9:30am c-section. Our amazing neighbor Heather came over at 6:45am to watch our boys for the day, and just after 7am we headed for the U!
Once at the hospital, we got all checked in. We took a last minute picture of me pregnant!
From there I got dressed in the gown and lots of different doctors came in to explain what they were about to do. I got my IV placed and the baby was on monitors. Our excitement kept growing as we waited for our c-section time!
Then, we found out that a woman was in labor and her baby was being a bit difficult. They had to hold one of the OR rooms open in case she needed an emergency c-section. So, everyone in the room started rooting for this unknown woman, that she would HURRY and have her baby, you know, for the health and safety of her and the baby of course. If she had to have a c-section, it would push mine back about 2 hours. Luckily, after a while, the nurse ran in and said, "SHE HAD THE BABY!" We all cheered.
From there things moved really fast. I drank the nasty drink that anesthesia gives you to neutralize your stomach acids in case you aspirate. My mom, Kim, and Kristy were all in my room so I said goodbye to them all and went into the operating room.
I was, once again, very nervous for my spinal tap--just like I was for my fetal surgery epidural. Turns out, the spinal hurt even less than the epidural, so yay! I laid down on the table and they prepped me while my lower half started going numb. I remember just staring up at the operating table lights and the crazy bright, white walls, and thinking that this is just not natural. I tried to just close my eyes and be at peace with where I was, trying not to let the fear take over. Soon I would be meeting my little girl!
Anesthesia then tested my numbness. They asked if I felt sharp pain in the places where they were poking--I did not. They gave my doctor the go ahead to proceed with the c-section. Daniel was ushered in and we were ready to go.
As my doctor began working on me (cutting...), I started to feel the "pressure" that they warned me about. The doctors said I shouldn't feel sharp pain, only pressure. I was quickly surprised at how uncomfortable I was, and it started getting worse and worse. It wasn't sharp pain, like a knife, but I clearly felt people scooping around my insides. Now, other women have described this feeling to me as "really weird," so I thought it would just feel odd. It quickly started becoming unbearable. When a massage therapist does a deep tissue massage, she is just putting "pressure," but DANG does it hurt. It was kind of like that. I began shaking with tension as I tried to grit my teeth and bear each dig into my abdomen. After a few minutes it became clear that my spinal tap had not fully worked and I was feeling WAY more than I should.
That was when everyone started panicking a little bit. I looked up at my anesthesiologist and said, "I'm so sorry, I didn't think I would be this tense." I could barely hold it together. She then told me they were going to give me a drug that would make me a "little loopy and less uncomfortable." I thought she meant just a little groggy, but I was wrong. I quickly felt myself slipping out of consciousness...and that is when the hallucinations started.
I can't really describe what went on when I was on that drug. I remember trying to explain to a group of people what was happening to me...like I was in a lecture hall or something. Everything was swirling and confusing, and I would randomly hear something the doctors said and then slip away again. The most terrifying part is that I could still feel what they were doing, and it didn't feel good, but I wasn't conscious enough to tell anyone that I was in pain. I was stuck just laying there for what, in my mind, felt like hours, with no ability to say anything about what was happening. I'll be honest with you, it was very, very scary. There was a point where I remember thinking I had died. I truly thought that I wouldn't get to see my little girl, and I was incredibly sad. Then I would be snapped back to reality for random seconds at a time. I would hear doctors say something that made sense, and then I would drift away again, stuck in this fog that I couldn't get out of. Later, NICU nurses told me that they could hear me moaning and yelling all the way in the next room, and they were wondering what in the world was going on.
Finally, I remember seeing the blue curtain that was in front of me. I remember someone saying, "Camee, you had your baby." I remember seeing Daniel for a second. I remember my doctor saying that she was sorry, but they weren't able to do my tubal (I was supposed to get my tubes tied) because I was in too much pain. Next thing I know, I was back in the recovery room trying to grapple with what just happened.
Now, obviously, there are a lot of things that happened during this that I was not aware of, many details of her birth that I missed because I was in crazytown. That is why Daniel has written up his version of the birth story, which I will put in a second post.
I was not able to see Cedar right away. Daniel went off with her and I returned to post-op. My mom and sisters were waiting there, and suddenly I was in a LOT of pain. I was moaning and doing some serious in-labor breathing to get through it until the drugs kicked in. To make it better, they started pushing on my stomach every 15 minutes to push my uterus down or whatever. Holy cow, that hurt SO bad. Eventually they moved it to every 30 minutes and then every hour.
Finally, Daniel came in. When I saw him I just started crying. I think I was still in shock about what had happened in the operating room, and I was so emotional about not seeing my baby that everything just came out at once. He showed me pictures of Cedar:
To be completely honest, it felt like I was looking at someone else's baby. First of all--the hair. Both Riley and Miles were born with a mild amount of hair and BRIGHT blonde. Here was this full head of dark, dark hair. It was also hard to connect with her when I hadn't even had the chance to see her--and essentially missed her entire birth.
Whenever a new baby is admitted into the Level 1 room in NICU, or whenever a baby needs a sterile procedure done, parents aren't allowed in there at all. So, I kept waiting and waiting for when I would be able to see her. It was a very busy day in the NICU, so our ability to see her just kept getting pushed back.
FINALLY, there was an opening in the craziness. They wheeled my entire hospital bed into the narrow room and put me right up next to her.
After holding her I truly felt like she was mine. I found out that neurology had already checked her out, and she was showing no signs of hydrocephalus, which was a huge relief. They noted that she was moving her legs and knees--a great sign--and they were very happy with how her fetal surgery scar looked. I got to hold her for a half hour before they wheeled me back.
Later that evening, when I had the feeling back in my legs and I had been moved to the postpartum unit, I was able to be wheeled over again in a wheelchair to see her.
This began a difficult cycle because I had to start waking up in the middle of the night to be wheeled down to the NICU to feed her, or try to feed her, and then they would supplement her still with IV fluids and later, when my milk came in, pumped milk through her feeding tube or a bottle. I was exhausted, to say the least.
Cedar also had lots of visitors in the Level 1 NICU! They still weren't allowed to hold her at this point:
I will do a separate post about her NICU stay, but this is what those first 48 hours were like! Although Cedar's actual birth was literally a nightmare for me, I am so happy she got here safely, and that she had so many wonderful doctors and nurses to take care of her. We love you Cedar Jane!! Read the next post to see what Daniel thought of this whole thing...
Despite this, I was looking forward to my c-section date with extreme excitement and anticipation. The night before, Daniel and I headed to the University of Utah hospital to get some night-before lab work done. The nurse almost felt my wrath as she pushed the needle in and out attempting to find my vein...and still failed. The bruising on my arm is still ridiculous. After that pleasant experience, we headed to Texas Roadhouse for my "last meal." I wasn't allowed to eat after midnight.
The waitress was legit impressed with how much I ate. Clearly she doesn't know me...
Once at the hospital, we got all checked in. We took a last minute picture of me pregnant!
PS This angle makes me look HUGE...crazy lighting...
From there I got dressed in the gown and lots of different doctors came in to explain what they were about to do. I got my IV placed and the baby was on monitors. Our excitement kept growing as we waited for our c-section time!
The next McDreamy...right here.
From there things moved really fast. I drank the nasty drink that anesthesia gives you to neutralize your stomach acids in case you aspirate. My mom, Kim, and Kristy were all in my room so I said goodbye to them all and went into the operating room.
I was, once again, very nervous for my spinal tap--just like I was for my fetal surgery epidural. Turns out, the spinal hurt even less than the epidural, so yay! I laid down on the table and they prepped me while my lower half started going numb. I remember just staring up at the operating table lights and the crazy bright, white walls, and thinking that this is just not natural. I tried to just close my eyes and be at peace with where I was, trying not to let the fear take over. Soon I would be meeting my little girl!
Anesthesia then tested my numbness. They asked if I felt sharp pain in the places where they were poking--I did not. They gave my doctor the go ahead to proceed with the c-section. Daniel was ushered in and we were ready to go.
That was when everyone started panicking a little bit. I looked up at my anesthesiologist and said, "I'm so sorry, I didn't think I would be this tense." I could barely hold it together. She then told me they were going to give me a drug that would make me a "little loopy and less uncomfortable." I thought she meant just a little groggy, but I was wrong. I quickly felt myself slipping out of consciousness...and that is when the hallucinations started.
I can't really describe what went on when I was on that drug. I remember trying to explain to a group of people what was happening to me...like I was in a lecture hall or something. Everything was swirling and confusing, and I would randomly hear something the doctors said and then slip away again. The most terrifying part is that I could still feel what they were doing, and it didn't feel good, but I wasn't conscious enough to tell anyone that I was in pain. I was stuck just laying there for what, in my mind, felt like hours, with no ability to say anything about what was happening. I'll be honest with you, it was very, very scary. There was a point where I remember thinking I had died. I truly thought that I wouldn't get to see my little girl, and I was incredibly sad. Then I would be snapped back to reality for random seconds at a time. I would hear doctors say something that made sense, and then I would drift away again, stuck in this fog that I couldn't get out of. Later, NICU nurses told me that they could hear me moaning and yelling all the way in the next room, and they were wondering what in the world was going on.
Finally, I remember seeing the blue curtain that was in front of me. I remember someone saying, "Camee, you had your baby." I remember seeing Daniel for a second. I remember my doctor saying that she was sorry, but they weren't able to do my tubal (I was supposed to get my tubes tied) because I was in too much pain. Next thing I know, I was back in the recovery room trying to grapple with what just happened.
Now, obviously, there are a lot of things that happened during this that I was not aware of, many details of her birth that I missed because I was in crazytown. That is why Daniel has written up his version of the birth story, which I will put in a second post.
I was not able to see Cedar right away. Daniel went off with her and I returned to post-op. My mom and sisters were waiting there, and suddenly I was in a LOT of pain. I was moaning and doing some serious in-labor breathing to get through it until the drugs kicked in. To make it better, they started pushing on my stomach every 15 minutes to push my uterus down or whatever. Holy cow, that hurt SO bad. Eventually they moved it to every 30 minutes and then every hour.
Finally, Daniel came in. When I saw him I just started crying. I think I was still in shock about what had happened in the operating room, and I was so emotional about not seeing my baby that everything just came out at once. He showed me pictures of Cedar:
Whenever a new baby is admitted into the Level 1 room in NICU, or whenever a baby needs a sterile procedure done, parents aren't allowed in there at all. So, I kept waiting and waiting for when I would be able to see her. It was a very busy day in the NICU, so our ability to see her just kept getting pushed back.
FINALLY, there was an opening in the craziness. They wheeled my entire hospital bed into the narrow room and put me right up next to her.
After holding her I truly felt like she was mine. I found out that neurology had already checked her out, and she was showing no signs of hydrocephalus, which was a huge relief. They noted that she was moving her legs and knees--a great sign--and they were very happy with how her fetal surgery scar looked. I got to hold her for a half hour before they wheeled me back.
Later that evening, when I had the feeling back in my legs and I had been moved to the postpartum unit, I was able to be wheeled over again in a wheelchair to see her.
They had washed her hair!
She was on oxygen, although not very much, had a feeding tube, and an IV for nutrition until she could start getting milk. With her oxygen on high flow, she could not yet attempt to breastfeed. This was really hard for me because hand expressing was depressing and painful--probably one of my least favorite things about the early stages of recovery.
At this point, I was recovering in my room and then going over to see her whenever I could. We constantly had to keep calling down to the NICU to see if we could see her (as in there were no newly admitted babies or procedures happening). This was the majorly annoying part about being in the Level 1 Room at the NICU--constantly getting kicked out when you are there or being told you can't come see your own baby for several hours. It was really hard.
Luckily on day two there was a time I could come down, and they told me I would be allowed to try and breastfeed her. I was SO HAPPY! A lactation consultant was there, and was shocked when she latched immediately with absolutely no problems--it was awesome!!
Cedar also had lots of visitors in the Level 1 NICU! They still weren't allowed to hold her at this point:
Aunt Kim:
Aunt Haley:
Grandma Anderson:
I will do a separate post about her NICU stay, but this is what those first 48 hours were like! Although Cedar's actual birth was literally a nightmare for me, I am so happy she got here safely, and that she had so many wonderful doctors and nurses to take care of her. We love you Cedar Jane!! Read the next post to see what Daniel thought of this whole thing...
Comments
Post a Comment